Day 2

If you follow Michael Landsberg on twitter, you know he's got something he calls the Sickter scale, which is an indicator of where your mental health is at.

Yesterday was a 3... or at least last night was. I was miserable. Today was a solid 4... functional but still feeling like there was a dark cloud hanging over me. Thankfully it was my day off, because I'm not sure what it would've been like trying to tackle work.

I stayed in bed for a while, trying to convince myself there was a reason to get up. Eventually I did, if only to move to the couch and continue being unproductive.

As tonight's Bruins game got closer, my chest tightened up and my old friend anxiety went to work. It doesn't make sense, I know. I'm in my sixth season covering the SJHL and it's something I enjoy. If there's anything that should feel comfortable, it's that. But everything is just backwards right now.

Instead of looking forward to covering a junior game for the first time in three weeks, I was trying to muster up the courage to head out the door and face the outside world. I actually thought about not going. After all, there's another game Friday, plus a road game Sunday before next week's issue... I could pull it off with minimal disruption, I told myself.

But eventually I put on my game face, told myself to compartmentalize it and went.

Even during the game it wasn't easy to focus on my job instead of my head, though.

Once the first period was over and I had nothing to do for 15 minutes but think myself into a meltdown, I sent a few texts to a friend. He said exactly the right thing (paraphrasing): You're doing what you've wanted to do your whole life. Take time to see where you are and what you're doing. Relish being at the rink.

It's true, I love what I do and usually thinking about that would be enough to help me snap out of it, but not this time. I tried to take myself to that place and appreciate what I was doing, but it just didn't matter. That's how bad this thing is.

Soon enough, the second period started, then a radio interview thankfully occupied my attention in the second intermission. Even then though, something I usually enjoy doing turned into a source of pressure.

Don't screw it up. Try to pretend like you know what you're talking about. Don't let your mind pull you away somewhere else.

Now, here I am fighting this thing, whatever the hell it is, head-on again.

I don't understand it. I mean, I deal with mental issues on a day-to-day basis. Anxiety, self-loathing and an inferiority complex are things I face every day. I can handle that.

But an actual episode of depression like this, that just hit me out of nowhere? I can't remember the last time this happened... if ever. Sometimes I think I'm imagining it, but coming unglued like this - with no identifiable trigger - is not normal.

I also have no idea when this will end. Hopefully soon.