Back in the land of the living

And the sun will come back again tomorrow

If you leave and take your sorrow

Stand down at sundown, get yourself gone

From now on

-Matt Mays + El Torpedo, Stand Down at Sundown

No, the monster isn't completely gone, but I feel much better today.

Just like I don't understand why it came, I don't understand why it left either. It's not like anything good has happened in the last 24 hours that would pull me out of the dumps. 

It gradually got better over the last few days - Tuesday, when it started, was a 3 at best on the Sickter scale, whereas yesterday was probably a 5 - and today I don't feel that cloud hanging over me anymore.

I'm not saying I feel great or anything, but I rarely do, so I consider this a victory.

I still have my moments though... last night during the Bruins game, while walking through the concourse to get to the bathroom, I had an anxiety attack like you wouldn't believe. I got claustrophobic in the middle of all those people - and believe me, I'm not claustrophobic - and it felt like my chest was going to explode if I didn't get out of there. By the time I got to the bathroom I was out of breath.

All week I was feeling overwhelmed by the thought of covering the United Way Telethon this weekend - a big event, the kind of thing I'd never covered before - and I was convinced I was going to do a terrible job. But I was just over there for a couple hours and it was fine.

I want to say thanks to my friends, family and co-workers for their support over the last few days... this is an illness that's impossible to understand if you haven't been through it and yet these people gave me their unconditional support. It helped more than you know.

Day 2

If you follow Michael Landsberg on twitter, you know he's got something he calls the Sickter scale, which is an indicator of where your mental health is at.

Yesterday was a 3... or at least last night was. I was miserable. Today was a solid 4... functional but still feeling like there was a dark cloud hanging over me. Thankfully it was my day off, because I'm not sure what it would've been like trying to tackle work.

I stayed in bed for a while, trying to convince myself there was a reason to get up. Eventually I did, if only to move to the couch and continue being unproductive.

As tonight's Bruins game got closer, my chest tightened up and my old friend anxiety went to work. It doesn't make sense, I know. I'm in my sixth season covering the SJHL and it's something I enjoy. If there's anything that should feel comfortable, it's that. But everything is just backwards right now.

Instead of looking forward to covering a junior game for the first time in three weeks, I was trying to muster up the courage to head out the door and face the outside world. I actually thought about not going. After all, there's another game Friday, plus a road game Sunday before next week's issue... I could pull it off with minimal disruption, I told myself.

But eventually I put on my game face, told myself to compartmentalize it and went.

Even during the game it wasn't easy to focus on my job instead of my head, though.

Once the first period was over and I had nothing to do for 15 minutes but think myself into a meltdown, I sent a few texts to a friend. He said exactly the right thing (paraphrasing): You're doing what you've wanted to do your whole life. Take time to see where you are and what you're doing. Relish being at the rink.

It's true, I love what I do and usually thinking about that would be enough to help me snap out of it, but not this time. I tried to take myself to that place and appreciate what I was doing, but it just didn't matter. That's how bad this thing is.

Soon enough, the second period started, then a radio interview thankfully occupied my attention in the second intermission. Even then though, something I usually enjoy doing turned into a source of pressure.

Don't screw it up. Try to pretend like you know what you're talking about. Don't let your mind pull you away somewhere else.

Now, here I am fighting this thing, whatever the hell it is, head-on again.

I don't understand it. I mean, I deal with mental issues on a day-to-day basis. Anxiety, self-loathing and an inferiority complex are things I face every day. I can handle that.

But an actual episode of depression like this, that just hit me out of nowhere? I can't remember the last time this happened... if ever. Sometimes I think I'm imagining it, but coming unglued like this - with no identifiable trigger - is not normal.

I also have no idea when this will end. Hopefully soon.

My brain is waging war against me

My depression comes and goes and manifests itself in different ways, but for the most part I manage to keep it under wraps.

Today I'm not having much success in keeping it at bay. Another reminder that depression is inexplicably random.

I don't know why, but I just feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown. Like the world is crashing in on me. There's a Leaf game on right now and I'm not even watching it, that's how bad this is.

Why? I have no fricking idea.

I even got some unexpected good news today, that I've been nominated for the Sask Lacrosse Association's media of the year award. And even that isn't enough to drag me out of this funk.

It's the classic impostor syndrome rearing its head... guilt. My brain is telling me I don't deserve to be up for this award, I didn't really do anything, none of the stories I wrote was anything to be proud of. I'm a fraud... give the nomination to someone more deserving.

This is the kind of garbage depression puts you through.

It's been a long, long time since I was depressed like this. Maybe it's just a one-day thing, maybe not. I have no earthly idea why it's happening.

This is why we need to get rid of the stigma surrounding mental illness. It's an illness, not a weakness.

It's not that we can't handle what's coming at us. It's that our brains are trying to kill us. #sicknotweak

This song does a pretty good job of explaining how depression feels: