If there was ever a case of bad timing, it was my beginnings as a sports fan. I started to become aware of the sports world around age seven or eight. By the time I figured out who my favourite teams were (mainly through family influence), it was 1995.
Yes, it was two years after the Blue Jays' incredible eight-year run that ended when Joe Carter touched 'em all. It was two years after the Leafs got screwed by a man with plastic hair.
My first year as a Jays fan? Yeah, that would be the year they were the worst team in baseball. Right down there at the bottom with the Minnesota Twins, with a 56-88 record.
I was barely aware of the fact they'd just won back-to-back World Series titles. Over the next 19 years, the Holy Grail for me, and those of about my age, was to win the wild card spot. That was all I could ever hope for. To do that, they had to finish second of five teams in the best, richest division in baseball. In 19 years, they did that once. That year, they still didn't win the wild card because that was the one year another division was stronger than the East.
There were some great memories. A lot of players who were fun to watch. I invested thousands of hours into those teams, all the while knowing they would never get past the Yankees and Red Sox.
After a generation of ups and downs, mostly downs, the Jays hired Alex Anthopoulos as their GM in late 2009. I was pretty shocked - he looked like a 20-year-old. However, it was a breath of fresh air after the reign of JP Ricciardi, who might be one of the worst executives in Blue Jays history.
Over the next five years, Anthopoulos showed that he was anything but conventional. For the first three years, he rebuilt a prospect pool that had been decimated by Ricciardi. He drafted extremely well, and made smart trades jettisoning underachieving vets for highly thought of prospects. Some of the kids he acquired through trades, the draft and international signings include Marcus Stroman, Noah Syndergaard, Aaron Sanchez, Travis D'Arnaud, Brett Lawrie, Kevin Pillar, Roberto Osuna, Devon Travis, Vladdy Guerrero Jr., Adeiny Hechavarria, Miguel Castro, Dalton Pompey, Daniel Norris, Jeff Hoffman, Sam Dyson, Anthony Alford, and the list goes on and on.
Anthopoulos took the Jays' prospect pipeline from terrible to one of the best in the world in three years.
In late 2012, he used a lot of that prospect capital to make two ground-shaking trades that nobody saw coming. They didn't work out in the short term, but they would play a major role two years down the road. The point is, he realized that in baseball, you can't build for the future forever. At some point you have to go for it, and show your fans that you actually want to win. Baseball does not have a salary cap. Trying to survive on a shoestring payroll with young players and Moneyball pick-ups is highly unlikely to get you anywhere. Billy Beane's Oakland A's were the million-to-one exception, not the rule.
What's important is that unlike Ricciardi before him, he spent that added money from Rogers wisely. He didn't shell out huge contracts to old free agents who had one good season and would never match it again. He traded for players who could make a difference. Instead of throwing darts at a free agent list to fill holes, he did hundreds of hours of research into players using sabermetrics and his gut instincts. He wanted guys who would not only help his team, but be good citizens.
He traded for the reigning Cy Young winner. It's true that RA Dickey never quite matched that form again, but without his second half of 2015, the Bluebirds likely don't play into October. Dickey has embraced life in Toronto. He truly gets it.
Anthopoulos also acquired Jose Reyes, whose enthusiasm was infectious, and Mark Buehrle, a veteran starter with character who could eat up innings and show the kids how to be pros.
Anthopoulos understands that in baseball, you can deal prospect currency and replenish it in the same calendar year. There are 40 rounds in a baseball draft. Some people think this is hockey and you only draft seven players a year. In baseball, you draft two dozen arms every single June. Some of them pan out, most don't, but all of them can be used as trade chips, because it's like tickets for the lottery.
Some of the prospects AA traded away haven't worked out. Two very notable ones did - Syndergaard and D'Arnaud. They're in the World Series as we speak, playing huge roles on a contender. That hurts a little bit, but you know what? AA went for it. He put his balls on the table and honest to God went for it. No one in the Jays' GM chair has done that in 20 years, unless you count Ricciardi's ill-advised signings at the 2005 winter meetings, or the 1997 signing of Roger "He Misremembered" Clemens, juicer extraordinaire.
In 20 years of watching sports, I don't know if I've ever seen an executive work his ass off to improve his team the way Anthopoulos has - except perhaps Paul DePodesta, otherwise known as Jonah Hill in Moneyball, who could be viewed as an early AA prototype. Alex Anthopoulos works 16-20 hour days. He's improved not only the on-field product but every aspect of the organization, most notably his overhaul of the scouting system. During the week leading up to the trade deadline that transformed the Blue Jays from pretender to World Series favourite, he pulled a 168-hour shift without sleeping. He cares. He put his heart, soul, mind and sanity into this baseball team. Because he's Canadian, he knows exactly what it's like to cheer for a team that consistently tears out your heart and stomps on it - after all, he watched his hometown Expos piss away one of the best farm systems in the history of baseball, because of payroll slashing. He knows what Jays fans have been through since 1995, because unlike an observer from south of the border, he's seen it. He's lived it. He knows our pain.
One year ago, Anthopoulos took another stab at "going for it" - and this time it resulted in one of the greatest trades in franchise history. He traded Brett Lawrie - an insanely talented but injury-prone and attitude-challenged third baseman - along with some of that prospect currency, for Josh Donaldson.
No one knew the Jays were in on Josh Donaldson. Everyone was blown away when the deal happened. Because Alex Anthopoulos operates in secret. He burns the candle at both ends. He approaches other GMs about untouchable players and works around the clock to convince his counterparts to let him touch those players. He is nothing short of a ninja, a maverick who orchestrates clandestine trade talks that manage to evade the attention of insiders like Ken Rosenthal and Buster Olney.
And remember, Brett Lawrie is Canadian. He was one of the most overhyped, hotly anticipated Jays prospects in the last 20 years (and let's not forget Anthopoulos got him for Shaun Marcum, who has appeared in seven major-league games in the last two years).
To trade Brett Lawrie was almost unthinkable. It took balls of steel to make that trade. The thing is, AA doesn't care what people think of his moves. He's even disregarded advice from his own staff when he believes in a player enough to pick him up. Now? Every person in baseball thinks Oakland was destroyed in that trade, with the possible exception of Billy Beane. Josh Donaldson is about to be named American League MVP after a season so remarkable it's hard to comprehend. Brett Lawrie is a distant memory.
Last fall, Anthopoulos also convinced Canadian all-star catcher Russell Martin to come home. Martin is about to win a Gold Glove after throwing out base stealers with extreme prejudice this season. He traded overpaid underachiever Adam Lind for pitcher Marco Estrada. The consensus from fans was that Estrada, who gave up the most home runs in baseball in 2014, would be utterly demolished in the hitter-friendly Rogers Centre. But AA does his homework. All Estrada did this year was post a top-five ERA in the American League, keep the Jays in the hunt until two half-decent starters arrived late in the season, and save his team's bacon twice in October. Anthopoulos also claimed the first base platoon of Chris Colabello and Justin Smoak off waivers, and acquired 2015 rookie standout Devon Travis for Anthony Gose, who has less power at the plate than a fat man on a diet.
Even with all that, the Jays were a middling team in the first half this year. Many fans called for the young hotshot GM's dismissal. However, Donaldson, Martin, Estrada, Travis, Colabello and Smoak were all showing they could be difference-makers in Toronto. The team's lack of success was almost entirely at the feet of its pitching staff. Dickey was having a historically bad first half. Drew Hutchison, while spinning an incredible win-loss record, was doing so on the strength of more run support than Adidas shoes. When that run support wasn't there, he was demonstrating the pitching ability of George Costanza at an NBC meeting.
Then, in a week that forever changed Toronto sports fans and their well-tested views that their teams could screw up a one-car funeral, Anthopoulos implemented Part 2 of his fall 2014 makeover.
He traded for Troy Tulowitzki.
HE TRADED FOR TROY TULOWITZKI.
The best shortstop in the world, who had spent his entire career out of the spotlight with the Colorado Rockies, was suddenly somewhere else. And that somewhere was Toronto. Troy Tulowitzki was a Blue Jay.
There were rumours that Tulo could be on the move. The Rockies told him he'd be the first to know if they had a deal on the table for him. But no one, no one outside Alex Anthopoulos and his brain trust, had an inkling the Jays were in on him. Because the Toronto Blue Jays simply don't do that. They trade away stars for prospects, not prospects for stars. They're in Canada. Who wants to play in a frozen tundra, right? Who wants to play for a team that hasn't been relevant since Kim Campbell did her best impersonation of a train wreck?
All of the above was true from 1995 to 2012. Then Alex Anthopoulos decided to change tack, and try something else.
The culmination of that was the acquisition of Tulowitzki and some lefty fireballer named David Price.
In four days, Anthopoulos turned the baseball world, Canadian sports fans and conventional wisdom on their collective ear.
He showed us that he wants to win as badly as any of us. After years of tightwad ownership from the richest owner in pro sports, and a general manager who never demonstrated any knowledge of how to win, it was refreshing. More than refreshing. It made us believe that finally the Jays might have a chance to do something that matters. That they might play meaningful September baseball. After 20 years of futility, meaningful September baseball is all anyone wanted. Just the chance to try to squeak into a wild card spot. Expectations were that low.
What did Alex Anthopoulos do? He created a baseball renaissance in this country. He revitalized Jays fans coast to coast, and helped create new ones. This nation rose up and roared like a lion awoken from a long, torturous slumber. The Jays were back, baby, and so were we.
Alex Anthopoulos engineered one of the most astonishing hot streaks in the recent history of professional sports. That tidal wave of winning and hysteria and pride and, cold reality be damned, righteous destiny, swept the Toronto Mother Fornicating Blue Jays past the Evil Empire at Yankee Stadium, the KC Bullies at Kauffman Stadium, into the most coveted pipe dream Jays fans have ever dared to think about: the AL East pennant.
On a triumphant Wednesday afternoon in Baltimore, Alex Anthopoulos sat in the stands and watched his team finally, after 22 years, do the one thing that would have sent a nine-year-old, 12-year-old, 18-year-old, 25-year-old, almost 29-year-old me into a state of unbridled euphoria:
Win the AL East.
Slay the dragon.
There were Blue Jays fans in those stands. As their team closed in on that impossible dream, they serenaded the man who made it all possible.
Thank you Alex.
Thank you for making us believe again.
Thank you for working your tail off to return playoff baseball to Toronto.
Thank you for not giving a crap what other people think, and doing what you believe in your heart to be right.
The Jays went on to pull off an improbable comeback against the Texas Rangers in the ALDS, giving my generation our Joe Carter moment in the process when Jose Bautista - a veteran heart-on-his-sleeve leader who's been here longer than Anthopoulos, and had never had a sniff of the playoffs until now - crushed a 1-1 fastball right down the throat of all those narratives of the past 22 years.
The Jays then lost in six games to the Kansas City Royals in heartbreaking fashion. It's the kind of blow that makes us wonder why we invest years of our lives into our teams. Why do we punish ourselves? Why do we set ourselves up for the inevitable agony of defeat?
Jose touched 'em all. That's why. He flipped his bat in a screw-you act of defiance to the Texas Rangers, the incompetent umpires, Harold Reynolds, Rob Manfred, Rougned Odor, Sam Dyson and life itself. He became an instant legend. None of us who saw it will ever forget it as long as we live.
That moment is why we invest so much of ourselves in sports. There will always be winning, and there will always be losing. In this case there was two decades of losing. But that home run will be explained, dissected and shown on repeat to grandkids across Canada for the next 50 years. If the Blue Jays never win a game for the rest of my life, that home run will make my fanhood worth it.
We live for adrenaline, us sports fans. Alex Anthopoulos gets that.
And now he is gone, disrespected and insulted by a soulless conglomerate that doesn't give a flying badonkadonk what fans live for, as long as their ratings and merchandise sales are through the roof.
Gone, never to return, alienated by the ultimate Moneyball wannabe who appears to be completely oblivious to what has just transpired in Canada over the last three months.
He left millions on the table. It was never about that. Alex Anthopoulos earned the right to call the shots however he damn well sees fit. Rogers, who took away his mentor and boss in the most sleazy way imaginable, tried to make Anthopoulos a stooge. Their shiny new toy, Mark Shapiro of the Cleveland Indians, didn't like the trade deadline moves. He'd been promised full control over the team months ago. Anthopoulos, who was named MLB's executive of the year moments after today's news broke, was being forced out.
Yes, he was offered a new contract. Yes, he was asked to stay. After doing the unthinkable and returning the Toronto Blue Jays to greatness, Alex Anthopoulos was asked to take a for-all-intents-and-purposes demotion. Mark Shapiro was going to call the shots now, and AA would carry out his wishes.
The 38-year-old Canadian baseball demigod said no.
Why wouldn't he?
Every team in baseball wants this phenom in their front office. Except the teams he annihilated in trades, that is.
He's the executive of the year. I'm quite confident in thinking half of baseball has already called him to offer a job.
Anyone with any self-respect would have done exactly what AA did.
He wanted to stay. He thought he'd be at the helm of the Blue Jays for the rest of his career. He loved Toronto, his kids loved Toronto, he had his dream job. Rogers had a show-runner in place who was universally loved by Canadians. A fairy tale too good to be true, except it was.
And he left.
Because after pulling off the crowning achievement of his career - anyone's career - his tone deaf multi-billion-dollar employer put the squeeze on him. They presented him with a vote of confidence disguised as a going away present. It was a slap across the face.
Alex Anthopoulos has shown his integrity time and time again. In leaving money on the table, and bowing out of a situation he knew would not end well, he quit his dream job. He plunged himself into uncertainty. No other team has an open GM position.
Right to the bitter end, he did what he felt was right. And no one who understands exactly what he has done for Toronto can fault him for that.
To Edward Rogers: please feel free to fornicate yourself with a pair of scissors. I'll even provide them for you.
To Alex Anthopoulos: thank you and goodnight. Fare thee well. We'll never forget what you did.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
An explanation
If you follow me on twitter or facebook you've probably noticed I have a lot of thoughts in my head these days. The last few days, my mind has been going a million miles an hour. I go through this every now and then. I can have 100 thoughts in my head at any moment. I start thinking about something and splinter off in eight different directions. My dad (bipolar) has dealt with this most of his life, and now I understand why his stories take half an hour to tell. It's called racing thoughts. One of my medications is supposed to stop this, so maybe I need a stronger dosage. Anyway, I need to get some of this out of my head somehow, or I'll go crazy.
So I've been thinking (among many many other things) about how things ended in Estevan. I never wanted things to end that way. I never wanted to leave under mysterious circumstances in January and then resign from my job in May. Estevan was great to me, embraced me as part of the community and the people I dealt with almost always got me all the info I needed for stories ASAP.
I met a lot of great people in Estevan, many of whom I count as friends. And some of them don't really even know what's happened since I left the Energy City. I didn't even tell people at the Mercury some of this.
As you know, I've been battling at times severe depression the last two years. Sometimes it was so bad I couldn't do my job, I couldn't leave my house, anything. If you paid close attention you probably noticed the quality of my work slipping over the last year I was there. Depression took away my focus, my concentration, my motivation to do anything. I found it hard to get motivated for the same old stories I wrote every week - how this minor hockey team did, and that team, and getting stuff from the scoresheets for road games. When it was really bad it was a struggle to pull myself off the couch and go to a game. I missed quite a few games in 2014 that I should have been at, and my coverage slipped as a result. My social anxiety was - and is - so bad, that I couldn't face people at a hockey game. Even if I knew them well.
I want to apologize to those teams and organizations. You deserved far better coverage than I gave you in 2014. Sometimes there weren't even pictures for home games because I was so sick I couldn't drag myself to the rink or the ball field. I'm embarrassed when I think back on that. And this stuff exhibited itself before my episodes of depression came on. One time when I was in Kindersley, I had to go to a dinner in Kerrobert on a Saturday night. I had zero confidence in myself. I was so scared of going to a dinner where I didn't know anybody, and having to talk to people, that I didn't go. And those people didn't get a story on their dinner.
Right till the end, I found that when there was a big story, I rose to the occasion. The Summer Games. The Western Canada Cup. A big Bruins trade. Anything big, I was still able to write a great story. Because I've never wanted to be anything but a sports writer. I've spent the last 10-15 years of my life getting ready to jump into this career that I'm no longer in. When the chips were down, and there was a big story, even at the end, I felt lucky to be doing the job I was doing. And I put everything I had into that story.
Looking back, reading some of the big stories I wrote in 2014, and knowing what I was dealing with at the time, I'm amazed I was able to produce what I did. But the weekly stuff, the team updates and things, more often than not I just did what I had to do to get it done. I was writing eight or nine stories on Mondays, plus all kinds of little briefs that took time. Some of that was my fault - there were usually a couple of stories I could have done before the weekend. But Mondays in the weekly newspaper SPORTS business are hell. Everything happens on the weekend. Looking back, I was under so much stress, much of it I put on myself.
And toward the end I just couldn't handle it anymore. There were two or three times where my mind just completely shut down on Mondays. I panicked and I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't have written a two paragraph brief about my weekend. In my six years in weekly newspapers I had always, somehow, gotten through the workload on Mondays. Sometimes I was writing till 2 a.m. but I got through it. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. The other guys at the Mercury had to take on that big workload when they already had lots of stories they had to finish by the next morning. I felt awful. I hated myself for putting them through that. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
Last December, I had the worst episode of my life, other than the one last April where I almost did myself in. For four days I was miserable. The world was crashing in on me. I couldn't move off the couch. The future was hopeless. There was no reason to keep living. There's a difference between being suicidal and having thoughts about suicide - I had the latter. I thought, wouldn't it be nice if I could just end this pain. I wasn't actually going to do it. But then, and I still can't explain this, it's like there was this voice or something telling me to overdose on my depression pills. I know that makes me sound like a psycho or something. I've never experienced anything like that before or since. Something was trying to guide me toward doing myself in. And I went over to my pills, and thankfully I was almost out. I knew I didn't have enough there to do any damage, so I didn't try. I called my boss and asked him to take me to the ER (because the people I was living with were total neanderthals - but that's for another blog).
I spent a few days in the hospital. Felt better when I got out. But I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't keep putting myself through this. Sooner or later it was going to end badly. I had to be home, where I grew up, around the people I love.
That very afternoon, my first day back at work, my awesome boss Brant Kersey informed me that our new benefits provider had something called short term disability. If I qualified, I could go home for up to four months and sort out my depression, while drawing most of my salary. I saw this as nothing short of a miracle. I was desperate to get home and just get rid of the stress and isolation for a while.
So in January, I was approved and put the wheels in motion to go home. Sun Life kept extending me for dinky little one-week periods at first, so it wasn't until early February that I left. I actually moved out of my "apartment" - a little section of a family's house, a family that gave me zero privacy and thought because I had depression I was going to kill people - in mid-January. I didn't care if I had to sleep in my car for two weeks. Those people made my mental health much worse. They were toxic, treated me like shit and if I never see them again in my life I'll be happy. If I do see them, there will probably be violence.
When I left Estevan, I was hoping to come back in a few months, if I improved dramatically. But I always knew there was a chance of me not coming back. Think about it. Being home, not having the incredible stress of my job, seeing my close friends and family often - it's the best thing for my health, and I knew it in January.
I've been much better since I moved home. Just being in PEI, God's Country, makes me feel so much better. These are my stomping grounds. I have thousands of memories here. I know almost every inch of this Island. Charlottetown is one of my favourite cities in the world. These last few months have been like something out of someone else's life. I still have problems, I still have stress, I fight with my family sometimes, but not having to work and be somewhere everyday has done wonders for my mental health.
However, feeling better doesn't mean I'm not still dealing with depression, or that I'm ready to go back to work. Recently I had three bad episodes in the span of a month. They're unpredictable. I can't start a job and then have unpredictable episodes that prevent me from working. For starters, I'm still being paid the majority of what my salary was in Estevan. You take that salary and put it in PEI with its low cost of living, that's a good chunk of change. So I can't take a job that pays me less than I'm making now, because money is somewhat tight even now. I can't take a job that I don't think I'll be good at. The way my mind works, if I have no confidence in myself to do something, I won't be able to do it. So if I end up not being able to handle that job, surprise surprise, I'm now bringing in zero dollars a month. Kinda hard to manage an apartment on that or even buy a litre of milk. And at least in the beginning, I need a job with as little stress as possible. I've learned that I need to eliminate every source of stress I possibly can. I even stepped down as commissioner of an Estevan-based fantasy hockey league because it gave me too much stress last year.
I have more than depression. I have anxiety, I have social anxiety, I think about things far more than the average person. If I mess up something, no matter how small, it bothers me for days. I've gotten better at that - you have to in order to work in media - but it still bothers me.
One thing's for sure, I need significant counselling before I can even think about full-time work again. I've been in PEI for six months and it's been impossible to find a therapist. I finally just got one this week. I need to work with her on all kinds of things and get them to a manageable place before I can work. Yes, I'm physically capable of working. Yes, I could probably handle certain jobs right now. But it's the risk. I'm in a very precarious position and I need to do things properly in order to get out of it.
Right now I'm in as much uncertainty as I've ever had in my life. I'm not working, I don't know when I will be. I've just given up the only career I've ever wanted to do, and Lord knows if I'll ever get back into it again. I'm bringing in enough money to pay the bills and expenses and the odd "want" purchase, but I'm certainly not able to stop getting my money from Sun Life and survive. I have no idea what the next month holds for me, let alone the next year. Ever since I graduated university I've had job security and good finances. I'm where I want to be, but to do so I've forfeited those things. I'll take that trade-off, but not forever.
But now that I'm home, I finally have a therapist and I have some good things in my life, I have a feeling things will work out. I don't have a clue how they will, but things will be OK I think.
I'm going to miss covering the Western Canada Cup and Summer Games next year more than I can say. I didn't leave because I didn't want to be around for that stuff. I kinda wish I could fly out, cover those events and come back. I want to get into freelancing so I can at least do some writing on the side and keep my foot in the door.
To all the people in Estevan who embraced me and made me feel welcome, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much that meant to me during the worst year of my life. That's rare in this business. I certainly didn't feel much of that in Kindersley. Keep in touch.
So I've been thinking (among many many other things) about how things ended in Estevan. I never wanted things to end that way. I never wanted to leave under mysterious circumstances in January and then resign from my job in May. Estevan was great to me, embraced me as part of the community and the people I dealt with almost always got me all the info I needed for stories ASAP.
I met a lot of great people in Estevan, many of whom I count as friends. And some of them don't really even know what's happened since I left the Energy City. I didn't even tell people at the Mercury some of this.
As you know, I've been battling at times severe depression the last two years. Sometimes it was so bad I couldn't do my job, I couldn't leave my house, anything. If you paid close attention you probably noticed the quality of my work slipping over the last year I was there. Depression took away my focus, my concentration, my motivation to do anything. I found it hard to get motivated for the same old stories I wrote every week - how this minor hockey team did, and that team, and getting stuff from the scoresheets for road games. When it was really bad it was a struggle to pull myself off the couch and go to a game. I missed quite a few games in 2014 that I should have been at, and my coverage slipped as a result. My social anxiety was - and is - so bad, that I couldn't face people at a hockey game. Even if I knew them well.
I want to apologize to those teams and organizations. You deserved far better coverage than I gave you in 2014. Sometimes there weren't even pictures for home games because I was so sick I couldn't drag myself to the rink or the ball field. I'm embarrassed when I think back on that. And this stuff exhibited itself before my episodes of depression came on. One time when I was in Kindersley, I had to go to a dinner in Kerrobert on a Saturday night. I had zero confidence in myself. I was so scared of going to a dinner where I didn't know anybody, and having to talk to people, that I didn't go. And those people didn't get a story on their dinner.
Right till the end, I found that when there was a big story, I rose to the occasion. The Summer Games. The Western Canada Cup. A big Bruins trade. Anything big, I was still able to write a great story. Because I've never wanted to be anything but a sports writer. I've spent the last 10-15 years of my life getting ready to jump into this career that I'm no longer in. When the chips were down, and there was a big story, even at the end, I felt lucky to be doing the job I was doing. And I put everything I had into that story.
Looking back, reading some of the big stories I wrote in 2014, and knowing what I was dealing with at the time, I'm amazed I was able to produce what I did. But the weekly stuff, the team updates and things, more often than not I just did what I had to do to get it done. I was writing eight or nine stories on Mondays, plus all kinds of little briefs that took time. Some of that was my fault - there were usually a couple of stories I could have done before the weekend. But Mondays in the weekly newspaper SPORTS business are hell. Everything happens on the weekend. Looking back, I was under so much stress, much of it I put on myself.
And toward the end I just couldn't handle it anymore. There were two or three times where my mind just completely shut down on Mondays. I panicked and I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't have written a two paragraph brief about my weekend. In my six years in weekly newspapers I had always, somehow, gotten through the workload on Mondays. Sometimes I was writing till 2 a.m. but I got through it. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. The other guys at the Mercury had to take on that big workload when they already had lots of stories they had to finish by the next morning. I felt awful. I hated myself for putting them through that. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
Last December, I had the worst episode of my life, other than the one last April where I almost did myself in. For four days I was miserable. The world was crashing in on me. I couldn't move off the couch. The future was hopeless. There was no reason to keep living. There's a difference between being suicidal and having thoughts about suicide - I had the latter. I thought, wouldn't it be nice if I could just end this pain. I wasn't actually going to do it. But then, and I still can't explain this, it's like there was this voice or something telling me to overdose on my depression pills. I know that makes me sound like a psycho or something. I've never experienced anything like that before or since. Something was trying to guide me toward doing myself in. And I went over to my pills, and thankfully I was almost out. I knew I didn't have enough there to do any damage, so I didn't try. I called my boss and asked him to take me to the ER (because the people I was living with were total neanderthals - but that's for another blog).
I spent a few days in the hospital. Felt better when I got out. But I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't keep putting myself through this. Sooner or later it was going to end badly. I had to be home, where I grew up, around the people I love.
That very afternoon, my first day back at work, my awesome boss Brant Kersey informed me that our new benefits provider had something called short term disability. If I qualified, I could go home for up to four months and sort out my depression, while drawing most of my salary. I saw this as nothing short of a miracle. I was desperate to get home and just get rid of the stress and isolation for a while.
So in January, I was approved and put the wheels in motion to go home. Sun Life kept extending me for dinky little one-week periods at first, so it wasn't until early February that I left. I actually moved out of my "apartment" - a little section of a family's house, a family that gave me zero privacy and thought because I had depression I was going to kill people - in mid-January. I didn't care if I had to sleep in my car for two weeks. Those people made my mental health much worse. They were toxic, treated me like shit and if I never see them again in my life I'll be happy. If I do see them, there will probably be violence.
When I left Estevan, I was hoping to come back in a few months, if I improved dramatically. But I always knew there was a chance of me not coming back. Think about it. Being home, not having the incredible stress of my job, seeing my close friends and family often - it's the best thing for my health, and I knew it in January.
I've been much better since I moved home. Just being in PEI, God's Country, makes me feel so much better. These are my stomping grounds. I have thousands of memories here. I know almost every inch of this Island. Charlottetown is one of my favourite cities in the world. These last few months have been like something out of someone else's life. I still have problems, I still have stress, I fight with my family sometimes, but not having to work and be somewhere everyday has done wonders for my mental health.
However, feeling better doesn't mean I'm not still dealing with depression, or that I'm ready to go back to work. Recently I had three bad episodes in the span of a month. They're unpredictable. I can't start a job and then have unpredictable episodes that prevent me from working. For starters, I'm still being paid the majority of what my salary was in Estevan. You take that salary and put it in PEI with its low cost of living, that's a good chunk of change. So I can't take a job that pays me less than I'm making now, because money is somewhat tight even now. I can't take a job that I don't think I'll be good at. The way my mind works, if I have no confidence in myself to do something, I won't be able to do it. So if I end up not being able to handle that job, surprise surprise, I'm now bringing in zero dollars a month. Kinda hard to manage an apartment on that or even buy a litre of milk. And at least in the beginning, I need a job with as little stress as possible. I've learned that I need to eliminate every source of stress I possibly can. I even stepped down as commissioner of an Estevan-based fantasy hockey league because it gave me too much stress last year.
I have more than depression. I have anxiety, I have social anxiety, I think about things far more than the average person. If I mess up something, no matter how small, it bothers me for days. I've gotten better at that - you have to in order to work in media - but it still bothers me.
One thing's for sure, I need significant counselling before I can even think about full-time work again. I've been in PEI for six months and it's been impossible to find a therapist. I finally just got one this week. I need to work with her on all kinds of things and get them to a manageable place before I can work. Yes, I'm physically capable of working. Yes, I could probably handle certain jobs right now. But it's the risk. I'm in a very precarious position and I need to do things properly in order to get out of it.
Right now I'm in as much uncertainty as I've ever had in my life. I'm not working, I don't know when I will be. I've just given up the only career I've ever wanted to do, and Lord knows if I'll ever get back into it again. I'm bringing in enough money to pay the bills and expenses and the odd "want" purchase, but I'm certainly not able to stop getting my money from Sun Life and survive. I have no idea what the next month holds for me, let alone the next year. Ever since I graduated university I've had job security and good finances. I'm where I want to be, but to do so I've forfeited those things. I'll take that trade-off, but not forever.
But now that I'm home, I finally have a therapist and I have some good things in my life, I have a feeling things will work out. I don't have a clue how they will, but things will be OK I think.
I'm going to miss covering the Western Canada Cup and Summer Games next year more than I can say. I didn't leave because I didn't want to be around for that stuff. I kinda wish I could fly out, cover those events and come back. I want to get into freelancing so I can at least do some writing on the side and keep my foot in the door.
To all the people in Estevan who embraced me and made me feel welcome, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much that meant to me during the worst year of my life. That's rare in this business. I certainly didn't feel much of that in Kindersley. Keep in touch.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Everyone has moved on
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
I wish.
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
I wish.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
2015 NHL mock draft
I'm attending the NHL draft for the second time in my life this weekend. Just arrived in Fort Lauderdale tonight (Wednesday) and I'm in South Florida till Monday. Planning to squeeze in a day trip to the Bahamas as well.
Unlike the last draft I went to, in LA in 2010, the Leafs have a first rounder - two in fact. And that number may increase before Friday night is over.
Here's my mock draft:
1. Edmonton - Connor McDavid, C
2. Buffalo - Jack Eichel, C
3. Arizona - Noah Hanifin, D
4. Toronto - Dylan Strome, C
5. Carolina - Mitch Marner, RW
6. New Jersey - Ivan Provorov, D
7. Philadelphia - Lawson Crouse, LW
8. Columbus - Zach Werenski, D
9. San Jose - Pavel Zacha, C
10. Colorado - Jakub Zboril, D
11. Florida - Matthew Barzal, C
12. Dallas - Mikko Rantanen, RW
13. Los Angeles - Timo Meier, RW
14. Boston - Paul Bittner, LW
15. Calgary - Kyle Connor, LW
16. Edmonton - Ilya Samsonov, G
17. Winnipeg - Evgeni Svechnikov, RW
18. Ottawa - Travis Konecny, RW
19. Detroit - Jake DeBrusk, LW
20. Minnesota - Jeremy Roy, D
21. Buffalo - Daniel Sprong, RW
22. Washington - Colin White, C
23. Vancouver - Thomas Chabot, D
24. Toronto - Oliver Kylington, D
25. Winnipeg - Gabriel Carlsson, D
26. Montreal - Brandon Carlo, D
27. Anaheim - Jansen Harkins, C
28. Tampa Bay - Noah Juulsen, D
29. Philadelphia - Filip Chlapik, C
30. Arizona - Anthony Beauvillier, LW
Honourable mentions: Denis Guryanov, RW; Nick Merkley, RW; Mackenzie Blackwood, G; Joel Eriksson Ek, C; Brock Boeser, RW; Jacob Larsson, D; Rasmus Andersson, D.
Unlike the last draft I went to, in LA in 2010, the Leafs have a first rounder - two in fact. And that number may increase before Friday night is over.
Here's my mock draft:
1. Edmonton - Connor McDavid, C
2. Buffalo - Jack Eichel, C
3. Arizona - Noah Hanifin, D
4. Toronto - Dylan Strome, C
5. Carolina - Mitch Marner, RW
6. New Jersey - Ivan Provorov, D
7. Philadelphia - Lawson Crouse, LW
8. Columbus - Zach Werenski, D
9. San Jose - Pavel Zacha, C
10. Colorado - Jakub Zboril, D
11. Florida - Matthew Barzal, C
12. Dallas - Mikko Rantanen, RW
13. Los Angeles - Timo Meier, RW
14. Boston - Paul Bittner, LW
15. Calgary - Kyle Connor, LW
16. Edmonton - Ilya Samsonov, G
17. Winnipeg - Evgeni Svechnikov, RW
18. Ottawa - Travis Konecny, RW
19. Detroit - Jake DeBrusk, LW
20. Minnesota - Jeremy Roy, D
21. Buffalo - Daniel Sprong, RW
22. Washington - Colin White, C
23. Vancouver - Thomas Chabot, D
24. Toronto - Oliver Kylington, D
25. Winnipeg - Gabriel Carlsson, D
26. Montreal - Brandon Carlo, D
27. Anaheim - Jansen Harkins, C
28. Tampa Bay - Noah Juulsen, D
29. Philadelphia - Filip Chlapik, C
30. Arizona - Anthony Beauvillier, LW
Honourable mentions: Denis Guryanov, RW; Nick Merkley, RW; Mackenzie Blackwood, G; Joel Eriksson Ek, C; Brock Boeser, RW; Jacob Larsson, D; Rasmus Andersson, D.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Taking some time off
In January I applied for short-term disability from work, which would allow me to go home for a bit and deal with my depression. My claim was approved and my last day of work was Jan. 20. At this point I don't know how long my leave will last.
I'm driving home, starting tomorrow. It should be a great trip. I'm going through the States and stopping in Columbus for a few days to visit my best friend. I'm doing the trip alone so that should be... interesting. My stops will be in Fargo, Milwaukee, Columbus, Toronto and Quebec City.
None of this would be possible without the support from my workplace. All of my co-workers have been great so a big thanks to them. I know most workplaces wouldn't support someone with a mental illness and wouldn't create an environment where people can feel comfortable speaking up. The Merc is different. I'm grateful for that.
I'm driving home, starting tomorrow. It should be a great trip. I'm going through the States and stopping in Columbus for a few days to visit my best friend. I'm doing the trip alone so that should be... interesting. My stops will be in Fargo, Milwaukee, Columbus, Toronto and Quebec City.
None of this would be possible without the support from my workplace. All of my co-workers have been great so a big thanks to them. I know most workplaces wouldn't support someone with a mental illness and wouldn't create an environment where people can feel comfortable speaking up. The Merc is different. I'm grateful for that.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Looks like *someone's* got a case of the Mondays...
Leave me alone, I don't get many chances to start a post with an Office Space reference.
I have indeed had a case of the Mondays lately. Due to the nature of my job, my Mondays are extremely busy and stressful. I always end up working super late. I have a huge workload on Mondays.
Lately I've really been struggling with the stress. I get panicky when I look at all the work I have to do. My mind shuts down and sometimes the guys have to take on some of my work, which I feel terrible about.
I had a lot of anxiety this morning. I felt better than Friday, but still not quite right - still a little low.
For once, I fought through it and finished up at 5 p.m.
Yay me. Now if I could do that on a regular basis.
I have indeed had a case of the Mondays lately. Due to the nature of my job, my Mondays are extremely busy and stressful. I always end up working super late. I have a huge workload on Mondays.
Lately I've really been struggling with the stress. I get panicky when I look at all the work I have to do. My mind shuts down and sometimes the guys have to take on some of my work, which I feel terrible about.
I had a lot of anxiety this morning. I felt better than Friday, but still not quite right - still a little low.
For once, I fought through it and finished up at 5 p.m.
Yay me. Now if I could do that on a regular basis.
Friday, January 16, 2015
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