Tonight, instead of doing colour for the Bruins-Ice Wolves game like I was supposed to, I'll be on the couch trying to survive an attack from my old friend depression.
I didn't want to go to the game last night either. Today is worse.
Believe me, I feel lower than a snake for not being able to do my job. I missed a game late last year because of depression and now it's happening again.
I face this dilemma a lot. The vast majority of the time I grit my teeth and go. But sometimes, like today, the pain is just too much.
When I'm in the belly of the beast, the very last thing I want to do is be around other people, let alone hundreds of people. I want to stay home and lie in the fetal position until it passes. These attacks do terrible things to me and I've learned that the only thing I can do is ride them out by myself. When I have to cover a game (or go to work), instead of riding it out I have to put on a face and try to stop it from consuming me. People think it helps to be around other people but it doesn't. When episodes strike, I HAVE to be alone.
As a sports reporter, I don't often get that luxury though. Which leads to the internal struggle that happens every time I'm going through a bad day and have to be somewhere. And when I do miss a game I feel horrible. My job is the only thing in my life I feel like I have my shit together on. When my depression messes with that, I feel like even more of a failure than usual.
Hang in there Josh. I know exactly what your going through. I can even relate to your hockey example. In 2011 ( I think it was) when Weyburn and Humboldt played in the league final, I could not get the strength to leave my house and face people. So I sat by myself in a dark, cold apartment listening to the games on the radio and always wishing I was there. It was so frustrating and I still struggle a lot to this day and lost a lot of friends in the process. Be strong . It sounds like you have some good people in your corner. And never say you are a failure - I love reading your articles and you are the most knowledgeable media person in the SJHL and always great to follow on twitter to get up to date news. You do a great job in Estevan and they are lucky to have you there. I don't fault you for wanting to be alone - I go through the same periods. I have been fortunate this year that I have had the strength to attend every hockey game in Weyburn and to socialize with people again. I know I will go through other episodes but it also shows that better days are ahead. Stay strong bud.
ReplyDeleteBrad M.
Thanks Brad, appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteOK, let's say failure in non-SJHL related areas then.
Sorry to hear your friend paid you another visit Josh.....I am glad you have found a way to cope. Having a supportive employer is blessing for you. I hope today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow is better again....Know that you are appreciated, and are not alone, for what that's worth....
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas.