A dilemma that comes up too often

Tonight, instead of doing colour for the Bruins-Ice Wolves game like I was supposed to, I'll be on the couch trying to survive an attack from my old friend depression.

I didn't want to go to the game last night either. Today is worse.

Believe me, I feel lower than a snake for not being able to do my job. I missed a game late last year because of depression and now it's happening again.

I face this dilemma a lot. The vast majority of the time I grit my teeth and go. But sometimes, like today, the pain is just too much.

When I'm in the belly of the beast, the very last thing I want to do is be around other people, let alone hundreds of people. I want to stay home and lie in the fetal position until it passes. These attacks do terrible things to me and I've learned that the only thing I can do is ride them out by myself. When I have to cover a game (or go to work), instead of riding it out I have to put on a face and try to stop it from consuming me. People think it helps to be around other people but it doesn't. When episodes strike, I HAVE to be alone.

As a sports reporter, I don't often get that luxury though. Which leads to the internal struggle that happens every time I'm going through a bad day and have to be somewhere. And when I do miss a game I feel horrible. My job is the only thing in my life I feel like I have my shit together on. When my depression messes with that, I feel like even more of a failure than usual.

Another bad day

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I am so worthless.