I've been going through a really hard time lately. I had a bad depressive episode last month. Then my uncle died and I couldn't make it home. Now I'm having another episode.
The pattern is there and it scares me. I had the first episode of my life in October. Another one three months later, followed by more anxiety than usual. And now a third one less than a month later. Each of them worse than the last.
I've started therapy, which has been good, but now I realize the road to recovery is going to hurt. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Sometimes I'd rather give up and stay like this than keep fighting. Which is ridiculous, but I've never known anything else so focusing on what I have to gain is hard.
I hate what this disease does to me. During an episode, I can't concentrate on anything and I don't have the energy to do what needs to be done. Convincing myself it's worth it to get out of bed is an ordeal every morning.
Which leads to guilt. Which leads to self-loathing. It's a vicious cycle.
Depression sucks.
I don't want to fight. I want to lay down my weapons. And yet I know I can't.
I've been listening to this a lot. It doesn't help but I still listen to it.
